Time Line of Grace

I remember growing up and learning about the Israelites and the stories of their 40 years wandering in the desert. I remember all the set backs, all the times God would do the impossible and save their butts once again and yet the very next day (or at least that is what is felt like) there they would be back to being those faithless beings. They seemed to have short term memory issues. After God had worked wonders in their lives, they would return to doubting God and His provision. As a kid, I just could not wrap my mind around the idea that people could be so stupid. I mean, it was all laid out. God took care of them time and time again and yet next thing I knew we were back right where we started. How could you be led through the Red Sea and then turn around and try to worship a golden cow? It did not seem possible that people could be so dumb. Well, that was how it seemed to me when I was young.

Then I grew up. It would have been easy for me to continue to discredit God’s chosen nation, except for the fact that I became one of those short term memory idiots.  I find myself doing the same things. God gives me grace, that I in no way deserve. He takes care of me in big ways and while I may appreciate this momentarily, I quickly dismiss it and quickly forget it. Like those who followed Moses, I forget what God has done for me. When my life gets a little uncertain or a little less than ideal, I start to panic. I try to figure things out on my own. Much like the apostle Peter, as soon as the waves get a little choppy, I look at them and it is when I take my eyes off of Jesus that I quickly sink.

Currently, I am in a place where once again I recognize God’s direction in my life and the way He is guiding me in some very obvious ways. One of the biggest struggles in my life has been wanting to know which path I should be taking. Time and time again I have asked for clear direction from the Holy Spirit. Right now, I feel the peace of being where I am supposed to be. God has made it so clear that I am exactly where He wants me to be and it is only through his intervention that I am indeed here.

I am grateful…currently. Now here is the struggle. I want to remember this. I want to know, own it, and really incorporate it into my faith. Over the years, I have used a blessings journal. It is a good place for me to write down the work I have seen God do in my life, the times He has answered my prayers and the ways He blesses me. It is a great tool. Even when I have remembered the big things, it is the small things that I forget.  Yet for me, the small things are what remind me of what a good father I have on a more intimate level.  I suppose to me, when the small insignificant needs of mine are met I have that affirmation that I have a God who cares about me and goes beyond my big needs at times to even supply some lesser ones. It reminds me of Matthew 7:11, “”If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” I have a father who not only supplies my sustenance, but goes beyond that.

While I love the journal, I many times do not go back and re-read it or in daily life I do not see it everyday. I wanted to try to do something different and something that was a little more high profile in my everyday life.  I decided to put a time line on my wall for the school year. This time line will be a place where I or Steve or our kids can simply mark down spots in the year when God has blessed us, answered a prayer, or given us clear direction. I am not sure what to expect or how this will work, but I look forward to having such this visual aid for our family this year. I want to acknowledge the constant presence of God and how He is meeting us. I do not want to be an aimless wanderer, but someone who sees the journey with as much clarity as is possible to see with mere human eyes. I believe seeing a little more of the bigger picture on a daily basis may help with building that perspective.

The Reset Button

Most of us have all felt the sting of the current economic situation. Recently, it has hit our family a little harder than normal and we have sought to cut back on a lot of things. The problem with being a one income family and having four children is that we certainly don’t have a whole lot to cut back on. In the best of times, it takes a lot of work  just to live off the one income that allows me to finish my degree. This has been a year of little work in the constrution trade and a year that has forced us to use up our safety net of savings. As of currently, we are not even certain if Steve will have work next week.

So back to the idea of cutting back. I have always been someone who has this need to…I don’t know what you would call it, nest, stock up, be prepared….whatever it is, I do it. I think this is especially true because I am a mom and feel like I must take care of my children.  So in an attempt to cut back on spending and be able to still give to some special projects this year, I decided to use up our inventory. We have a full shelf of canned food in our garage, along with a upright freezer. We decided to simply use up what we had on our shelves. So instead of spending $125-$150 a week on groceries, we started spending $20-$40 a week and using what we had. Sometimes, we use up a roast we had in the freezer, but many times we eat beans and rice. Every day, I have felt like I am stripping away the security I have of having a surplus of food in my house. It has also challenged my beliefs about what I am entitled to. I have always been somewhat thrifty, but I felt like groceries were a category that I deserved to buy. This is one of the areas where this exercise has begun to morph into a new spiritual discipline. This act of getting rid of my pantry was one that was harder than I had expected.

This purging has also caused me to become aware of some of my attitudes and the things I simply have come to take for granted. I feel like we had come to a point in our lives where we actually had become accustomed to certain luxuries and the price tag that comes with them. It almost like it has enabled a “reset button” on how I view things.  I was simply used to and not even slightly perturbed that a cup of coffee costs $4, but now that $4 could be 20% of my grocery bill, I was astounded. I feel like I have begun to slough off some of my cultural callousness.

This discipline we are taking on has also made me  keenly aware of God’s grace. I know they may seem like little things, but He continues to supply manna to us in everyday. $25-$40 a week for groceries made me skip many things. One week, I simply did not have enough money for very much produce. On the way home from the story, my daughter Madelyn asked me about this and then suggested we check on our orange tree. I told her, repeatedly, that it was way to early for the oranges. We have had this tree for 12 years and the fruit is never done until right around Christmas. I finally gave in to her persistence and let her go and pick one. The oranges were more than ready and so sweet. I was immediately grateful for this gift. One night, on a night slated for beans and rice, my professor bought our class huge pizzas and then asked if I would like to take a complete extra large pizza home for my family. The list goes on.  I know these may seem like mundane things, but my entire family was aware of God’s hand in these most common gifts.

It is here, in this season of living from paycheck to paycheck, that I am finding a true sense of joy and excitement in trusting God. I will be the first to admit, that I was not only not joyous, but almost depressed as the reality of this year hit me, but God is good. I think of the Israelites and their manna. It was given to them, not so they could store it up , but have it replenished day by day. My nature is to want a store house full of manna and the security that I think comes with it. It is just not that way and I am really starting to see the beauty in it. I do not know what gift God will give us tomorrow, but I am confident that he will continue to provide. He just keeps meeting each need day by day. It is incredible, exciting, and at times still a little scary. I do know I certainly would not recognize and appreciate the gifts without having the need.

I am not sure how long we can continue to live off what we have in this fashion. Our plan is to continue until our shelves are empty and nothing is in the freezer. What started as a way to find some funds for a Christmas project, has become much more. It has challenged us and really reset our perspectives on money. While I certainly, do not want to always live without a savings account, I know God uses this time to remind me of His providence. I also know that even if this is how I live the rest of my life, it will be okay. He has always taken care of us and met our needs and He always will. He have a good Father. Living off manna is an amazing thing.

Entitlement

I will be the first to admit it. I am a worrier. I know it is wrong and I know I should not, but I do. It is fortunate that I am married to someone who does not and it helps to keep me in balance most of the time. While I have been trying to improve, the current economic situation of our country has plagued me with a whole new set of worries and stress. These have managed  to build into a constant state fret. It is to the point that I cannot bear to read the papers or watch the news. It all seems to be too much.

Recently, I read a book called Jesus Wants to Save Christians by Bell and Golden and it has helped reel me back in to the reality of it all.  I was reminded me of the truth I know, but so often forget.  It reminded me of so many things. In the midst of this recession, we feel so deprived because we cannot have what we think we deserve. We have gotten so comfortable with our lives that we take for granted so many aspects and what really are only luxuries we have deemed as  necessities. Even our poor are still so much richer than most of the world. The problem comes back to the feeling of entitlement. We feel we deserve so much and we stop being thankful for what we have.

Releasing this assumption that we are deserving of anything has certainly adjusted my thinking. How can I worry about the trivial things when I stop and see all the undeserved way God has blessed me?  It is humbling and my worries become trivial.

I know I knew this, must like so many things,  I forget.  I am grateful for the reminders God continues to give me in the midst of my foolishness. I am so thankful for another one of His blessings. I am thankful because I know I am certainly not entitled to anything. Thank you Jesus.

Roman

 

Once in while, I am blessed enough to come across something that just stops me with its beauty. I stumbled across a California photographer in the last year or so who has soon became a favorite of mine. His work is simply amazing. My soul truly feels renewed and comforted in looking at his work. My goal is to someday own one his pieces, but until then I will continue to enjoy gazing at his website. Check out some of his other work. I personally love his Lithuania series, but this Polish emigrant also has a heart for the over looked beauty of California. Everything he does is quite remarkable.

www.romanloranc.com

 

Wrong Shoes

My life has been crazy and while this is nothing new, I think it is starting to take a toll on me. As I was driving between appointments today, I was thinking about this frantic race I have been running and I have to wonder if I am not wearing the right shoes. You can get by in a sprint wearing shoes that are inadequate, but as the distance builds, it becomes obvious when your footwear is not appropriate. So today as I have begun to feel winded with the pace I have kept, I have to question my choice in shoes. At this point, I am not sure how I could change shoes. I do not see anyone with a new pair in sight. I don’t even think I could afford a new pair. All I know right now is that my feet certainly hurt.

Politics…Ughhh

As much as I have come to despise politics, I have to say something. For years and years I was pretty much a one issue voter. I adamantly believe in the sanctity of life and I voted for the candidate who called themselves “pro-life”. After years of voting this way, I began to realize that whoever was elected, pro-life or pro-choice, nothing ever really changed in the arena of unborn children. Ironically, I also began to see that the same people who shouted the most about the rights of the unborn, many times had the least amount of mercy or concern for the rights of those already born. Recently, I have become more and more convinced that you just cannot regulate morality. Changing the world has got to be done on a personal basis, one human at a time. Laws and politics are not ever going to be an effective way to be a light in this world.

This said, what really brought about this post was the recent news that Pat Robertson is endorsing Rudy Guiliani. My logic is screaming out right now. I have seldom ever been in agreement with Mr. Robertson, but this does not make sense, even for him. First of all, Pat has based all his arguments over the years about politics primarily on his claim to be a Christian. So all of the sudden, this man is going to endorse a pro-choice pro-gay rights candidate. He has condemned the democrats for their lack of morals, but he is endorsing a man who has had multiple affairs and marriages. I guess we should not be surprised considering Dobson just publicly “forgave” Newt for his adultery scandal, grace that would never be awarded to the Clintons or any other non-republican figures. I have to ask why this endorsement for Rudy? The only plausible answer seems to be that despite all his propaganda about voting for the “Moral Majority” he is no more than an old Republican and will stand by the party no matter what. Once again our televised Christian icons are displaying hypocrisy at its very worst. While I may not be a Robertson supporter, I had at least expected him to be consistent to his own beliefs.

It certainly is hard to be called a Christian in this day and age, mostly due to those who publicly call themselves this name. Maybe we can come up with a name for those of us who are just trying to follow Christ and love this world without having a television camera in our face. I guess I am just tired of trying to convince people that the Robertsons of the world do not have the right to speak for the rest of us, no matter what they may claim. It is getting a little embarrassing….

Signs

I will freely admit it. There is no way anyone who knows me would believe me if I tried to deny it anyway…so I admit I am an “A” type personality. I like to go full speed ahead in almost every area of my life. In fact, if I am not crazy busy, I almost begin to feel like something is wrong. I quite literally can feel depressed if I am not accomplishing what I think I need to do and at the rate that I expect out of myself. Sometimes the part that really frustrates me is that I do not know which way I am supposed to go. I want to do what God wants, but I want to know what it is so I can go ahead and do it. I have often begged God for some sign, preferrably in flashing lights, to point me in the right direction and then of course, I could happily speed right along that path. He has yet to grant that request.

Yet, today there was a flashing sign. In our neighborhood they have been doing major street repair for several months. So today as I turned down the street on the way home a certain sign caught my eye. It displays messages periodically and while I am sure I must have passed this message at least 20 times, today it just hit me. All it said were the two words, “Expect Delays”. I almost felt like God was saying here is a flashing sign for you and you still drove by it 19 times before you caught it. “Expect Delays”, not a message I would like to hear. I love to plan my life out. My favorite part of going on vacation is actually the planning of it. My calendar is planned out at least a year and a half and delays just do not fit into that. I don’t want to expect delays and yet they are a real part of life. The problem also lies in the fact that I don’t see the value of the “delays” of my life. I want things done on a certain timetable and when they are not, I feel like I am wasting time. Do I even know how to expect delays? Yet, I know there is some wisdom in preparing myself for the fact that life does not work on my timetable. Perhaps if I can be ready for the delays of life, I may actually be able to see them in a different light. Life might not be so frustrating and I can grow in this area. So the word for me today appears to be “Expect Delays”. Even as I try to accept these words I cannot help but hope that there are not too many delays…Yeah this one will take a while.

Stomach Pains

God works with each of us in so many different ways. Not only did He create us all so individually, but He continues to parent us all individually. That amazes me at times. God speaks to my own heart in a lot of different ways at different times, but a few years ago I had a pretty intense experience. It came when I was least expecting it, but when it happened it was very strong and very sudden. I still don’t know what it all meant, but I was made brutally aware that God was speaking to me in a very deep and intimate way. At the same time I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. My stomach literally ached. It was so major and so intense. I was scared about what God might be asking me to do. I am not a overly emotionally person, but at that moment I felt like the world had stopped and God was looking at me straight in the eyes. My emotions were raw and pretty uncontrollable. God exposed new part of me I had kept hidden and it did not feel good. I felt a sense of being totally out of control. I came away feeling wounded. While this wound felt new, I realized later it was always there, but I had been ignoring it for a long time.After being brought to the surface, I could no longer ignore it.

So this morning, out of the blue, my stomach ached again. In the middle of my reading, in one short paragraph, there it was. My stomach hurt, so much so that I actually wanted to put the book down and stop there. Within the first chapter of this book I felt absolutely sick. Once again I felt the hand of God taking me by the chin and making me give Him my full attention. This was no gentle nudge of the Holy Spirit, but a very blatant shove. I also knew when it was as powerful as this that this was going to be one of those experiences where it is going to hurt even more before it ever gets better. I know I may sound extreme, but I was literally sweating because I had no idea of where God may be taking me to with this experience, but there was no denying He was taking me somewhere. At the same time I almost wanted to laugh. I like things so under control and when my plans get changed and my world gets rocked, I just do not handle it very well. So my choices were very few. I could ignore it and avoid some pain, but also refuse to grow or I could be obedient even though it scares me. Yet even as I choose to meet theLord in this issue, it is not a one time choice. Even when I choose to persevere, at times I keep stopping, looking back and am honestly really afraid to take another step. The comfort I cling to right now is that God loves me enough to speak to my heart in such a real way that even I cannot ignore. I still hate the discomfort, but I know it is better to feel this transitional pain than to remain numb and stagnate. I am really trying to just keep trusting God, the one whom I know continues to want the very best for me.

Others

I know each of us all struggles with our own very real carnal nature, but there are some areas where I am pretty convinced that my own struggle is even greater than most, my own personal weak spots. One the hardest areas for me is just dealing with people in general. Give me an assignment and I am fine, but when it involves working with others it can be a real source of frustration. I can be pretty impatient and cooperation requires time I do not always want to give. I would rather be free to do it all myself than have interact with others, especially when they do not do things the way I do them. I work at this area a lot, but I also mess up a lot. It seems to be an ongoing battle and I am not sure how much I really have grown. Dealing with people also means being able to confront others when necessary and once again, that is just not something I want to deal with. Sometimes God has to remind me that is not always the task that is the most important, but the process of achieving it. This truth does not always stop me from whining to God about it, however.

The ideology of my own heart is where so much of the battle begins. How I view these situations and those in it can change everything. Even when others are in the wrong, the issue still remains with me and how I deal with things and how prepared my heart is to interact with others. Several books I have been reading recently deal with this idea of how I should be responding to others.

The Myth of a Christian Nation by Gregory Boyd has an interesting take on the idea of submitting to others. “The kingdom of God advances by people lovingly placing themselves under others, in service to others, at cost to themselves. This ‘coming under’ doesn’t mean that followers of Jesus conform to other people’s wishes, but it does mean that we always interact with others with their best interests in mind” (31). Those two sentences really hit home to me in several ways. I stopped to think of some of the very best relationships I have in my life. They are with people that I try to put above myself. While not a large number, there are people who I would give everything I own to help at a moment’s notice. What may sound like a sacrifice, really is not. An act of helping them has become not very different from doing something for myself, or even more appealing than doing something for myself. I have trained my heart to have a viewpoint that has my friends’ best interests at heart. It is a privilege and something that genuinely makes me happy. The fruit of this is that these relationships have stood the test of time and only continue to deepen.

So I have practiced this idea on a small scale. While I know I may never be able to give 100% to everyone, it is an example in my life to the real beauty of putting others first. This idea of acting in another’s best interest, while not being a pushover is also very important. I am such a hot or cold personality. I have a hard time knowing where to draw the line or things like this. At one point, “turning the other cheek” seemed to only indicate to me that I must let others walk all over me, but when my intention is to act in the best interests of others, my goals are simplified. It is not just an external attitude, but heart changing as well. If I want what is best for another person, I cannot help but be transformed in so many ways. It becomes a habit and changes my entire thought system.

“The cross is the ultimate symbol of the kingdom of God, for it defines what the kingdom always looks like. It looks like Christ—self sacrificial and loving. It looks like grace” (33). It is a constant discipline to try and put myself under others time and time again. I keep striving to look like grace. I know I have a long way to go, but I will just attempt keep my eyes on the “ultimate symbol” and become a little more like the God’s kingdom and little less like this world’s.